Appears in The Dictionary of Failed Ideas Issue 5: Everybody’s A Failure.

It’s probably not surprising that this bumper issue of other people’s failures features more than one green energy “solution”. Our blobby overlords are, of course, doing dick-all to avert the apocalypse, so it falls on us visionaries to find a way to keep their sprawling beachside mansions above water.

Boring people might go for insulation to trap the heat in their subsidised shoeboxes, but a dear reader, who will remain nameless for reasons that will shortly become obvious, offers an alternate suggestion: a wall paint so white, so reflective, that any light entering the house simply bounces around in there forever. Crack the windows at the start of winter then just as quickly shut that exit point, and you’ve got light and heat trapped inside until spring.

No word on what will happen in summer, though, but we suggest installing a large fan, smothering yourself in tarragon butter, and sticking a lemon up your coight, so when concerned neighbours find your body you’ll at least be cooked evenly, and so delicious you can be served at your own wake.